So, I decided to take the Lea Valley walk after reading about walking trails within the city. I started in Tottenham Hale in the north and walked down the river Lea until it joined the Thames in Bromley-by-bow. I walked further into Canning Town and to the Isle of Dogs until I reached Canary Warf. Needless to say it was a long but relaxing walk. Above is a snap of some boathouses near Springsfield Park by the river. #riverlea #thames #walks #london
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Seated at the park listening to songs I haven't heard in a long while... Five Four Fighting's 100 years play and I'm reaky getting nostalgic. I don't necessarily feel sad- maybe a bit. I'm more overwelmed by a feeling of comfort and warmth despite the chilly British spring evening breeze.
I guess the whole spring atmosphere just lifts your spirits. I mean I do miss my parents, my family back home. I think of my younger days and all the "if onlies" abd how it felt back then to be younger and full of potentials and dreams.
I am grateful for where I am now though. Never would have my 22 year old self thought that I'd be living in the UK in my early thirties. Still you can't help but long for that spark you had when you were in your twenties.
Getting lost on purpose is necessary once in awhile. It allows you to loosen up and not care for once. It gives you a sense of freedom even. You don't have to think really hard. You just wander. Let you feet take you where it feels like going.
Yesterday I went for one these long walks although I wasn't alone but still it was therapeutic. MY friend went with me. So we walked and walked and we didn't feel tired at all. We kept on going until we realized we were at the next train station. To be specific, from Camberwell Green to Denmark Hill to Herne Hill!
Allowing your self to get lost and not care every now and then is vital. I must say after that walk I felt good. Rejuvenated even. Plus I got to take some snaps along the way.
So, the past two days for me didn't go as much as I would desire. I don't even want to talk about it, but I just need to let it out. I don't think anyone would genuinely be interested in hearing about it-- so I just write here.
It's June, 09, 2018. I am in London now. Working as a nurse with the NHS. So yes, the incident concerned here in my entry is work-related. In a way, it is expected. We all have bad days. So, to put it briefly, I had two bad days at work (bad isn't enough to describe it.) I don't want to go into details anymore. I just feel exhausted. There! I said it. Overwhelmed. I honestly thought that work would be easier here then back home, boy was I wrong!
I'm in the medical department so it's heavy. Yes, I envy my friend in another area. He seems to have it easy and they get good support there. Sometimes I get irritated when after work he talks about how his day has been from work. It's like he is putting it in my face that I am in the least favourable area. Yes, he complains sometimes that things were rough at work and I'm sitting there thinking, "try going to my ward bro!".
I try to comfort myself everyday with thoughts like "you've gone this far... you're blessed.." it works to some degree but it's not enough fuel to get me through my day. I shouldn't even be doing that in the first place. I should be going to work, excited and happy... and I am no where near that. The thoughts of if nursing is really for me is creeping into my head again and rearing its ugly head saying"I told you so!"
Still, I remain hopeful. Yeah that's me. Holding on always to that last branch before the waterfall. It's been only four months since I arrived here. So, hopefully I will get to find my comfort here... and maybe transfer area!
There is a sense of solace you get during nightly commutes home. Looking around as we gently rock from side to side (occasional bumps) I am caught by the diversity of fellow commuters with me- the tired saleslady closing her eyes as the cool wind brushes her face, the two school girls in the back quietly giggling over something in one of there phones, the 6 year old girl asleep with her backpack in front as she is held by her mother who is clutching a plastic grocery bag in her hands - around us the city is still in a rush but somehow inside that jeep, draped in the dim amber light, everything is calm and yearning for home.
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Music and rides around town was a temporary escape. I hated my room. I dint like staying in there. Its like full of bad vibes at the time. I performed badly in class. I wasn't prepared. My reporting sucked! I wasn't satisfied with my performance - I'm better than that!
I felt left out, alone, lonely - the whole "emo-enchalada"! Jeezz!
I'm still working here in my alma mater as an constructor, if you may. It's honestly not my cup of tea but over time it has grown on me. However, that being said, I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life. Heck! I've got dreams. But right now, this is what I have to settle for. At least I'm getting paid rather a wee bit more then enough. I still have questions as to what do I want to be. I am a nurse, but do I feel like it? i don't know. Still I really want to earn so I can make my dreams come true and maybe get my parents a restaurant of their own. My mom cooks awesome!! yeah, I want a house. A Hacienda if you may. I want a huge land where me, my entire family can live in together. I hope I'll be reading this entry years from now, smiling.