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an update

 Yeah, so I had one o those relapse episodes once again... last week was not my week. I don't know, but when last Monday hit I felt like as a massive dose of depressant was injected into my system. As expected, it practically effected my every function (other then my love for food). I was lazy, always pouting and felt hopeless - it was anhedonia full blast! 

Music and rides around town was a temporary escape. I hated my room. I dint like staying in there. Its like full of bad vibes at the time. I performed badly in class. I wasn't prepared. My reporting sucked! I wasn't satisfied with my performance - I'm better than that! 

I felt left out, alone, lonely - the whole "emo-enchalada"! Jeezz! 
There still an air of the "being left out" thing in the air- but what the hell! 
I'm hungry again....



It's been almost two years since I last posted. I got caught up in a lot of things in life. Lots of work, issues and some crappy stuff and to top it all of, our internet source here was blown to pieces -literally!!

I'm still working here in my alma mater as an constructor, if you may. It's honestly not my cup of tea but over time it has grown on me. However, that being said, I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life. Heck! I've got dreams. But right now, this is what I have to settle for. At least I'm getting paid rather a wee bit more then enough. I still have questions as to what do I want to be. I am a nurse, but do I feel like it? i don't know. Still I really want to earn so I can make my dreams come true and maybe get my parents a restaurant of their own. My mom cooks awesome!! yeah, I want a house. A Hacienda if you may. I want a huge land where me, my entire family can live in together. I hope I'll be reading this entry years from now, smiling.


Oct. 5th, 2009

It's been a long while since I've written in here. A lot has happened the past year. I graduated, became a registered job, was without salary from a REAL job for almost half a year, eventually found a job that i was reluctant to take and the story goes on..

It's been over a year and a half since officially became an ex-nursing student. So this was it.. no more school!!!! yey! Little did I know that a whole new script was being written for the story that is my life!

I had a hard time adjusting to post-graduate life. Classmates and friends one by one seemed to have dwindled in number as each of us went our separate ways. Its painful and hurting but I that's just he way it is. Another chapter has opened in our lives and we must turn the page no matter how surprisingly heavy it seems. Some got married. Some are getting married. Others are already abroad. It seems like only yesterday when we use to hang around at the acacia grove (U.T.T .- under the trees) at our campus, when we wondered the corridors reeking havoc on the classes we passed by.. ah.. those were the days..

I guess the question now is.. what now? I'm still getting used to it, because for four years I was used to being around these weirdos and punks that i call my friends..




The line in Five for Fighting's song "Superman" really summarizes how i feel. I wish i could just cry, fall on my knees and just feel the pain all fade away with the tears. I wish it was that easy. It's hard being were I am. They cant understand me. It's not that they don't care I suppose, they're just busy with their own lives to worry about.

Aug. 2nd, 2008

I am having one of those days again. Self-pity and loneliness along with tons of regrets lay heavy on my mind. I hate this, but its what i am really feeling. The regrets I know they say we should not have any, but I have many. I feel like I haven't been really "living" at all. I never really got to know life as life. I always played things safe and never tried to wander far beyond the comforts of my borders. It's times like these that my mind wanders back to yesteryears and I realize these things. I'm 21 years old, yet i feel like a naive child, lost and confused..unhappy. At least a child could be comforted by treats (sweets and stuff), but when your my age I suppose treats wont do much help to ease ones pains.

Jul. 31st, 2008

today was tiring.. first day at the hospital not as a student.. waah! all hell was unleashed with just the first 5 minutes there.. we weren't even oriented yet when this woman arrived outside crying.. with her was a man.. shot in the neck.. dead.. staff tried to revive him.. nothing..

got to insert IV's immediately and do charting stuff.. prepare meds.. wahh.. tired.. so tired... at least. iIm now a nurse..

tomorrow me and Sadz will be in the afternoon shift.. accordingly more cases come in the afternoon.. waah! good luck to us!

At least.. finally

At least.. finally, they're officially together after so much doubt and issues. I'm happy for them. They deserve each other. Now, what about me? Will it always be like this? How long do i have to wait? Where will I search? Should I search? Should I just wait and relax? It's getting extremely lonely here. I need my someone to hold. Someone to look deep in the eye and see me there. Someone whom I'll walk under the rain (cheesy i know). Someone who'll know everything about me. Someone whom I can finally say those three words to and she'll return them back to me. Where are you?

Jul. 26th, 2008

Just yesterday, I received the greatest news I had prayed for the past few months. I am now an R.N. Today however, I am overcome with sadness so extreme that I find it hard to breathe.

Now that I made it through, the question that looms ahead is "what's next?". I realize that indeed nothing is permanent in this life. I know that with this good news, painful decisions and goodbyes had to be made.

Literally, I don't know where to start. I don't know what to do next. I am afraid. I don't want to go alone. I need my friends. I don't want to say goodbye to them. I want that wherever I will go for work I'd be close to them. I envy them. They are so strong and focused. They know what they want and how they'll get it.

God, I feel so low right now. I want to break down and cry this one out, but I can't.


Wow! last night was awesome!

Last night was awesome!
I hardly slept.
Who would have known!
I'm already an R.N.!

At 10:52pm the results were released to the public.
I got a hold of it though because apparently PRC's website is ill!!

A friend texted me earlier saying she passed already!
Wow! I was in panic.. The website took long to load (PRC). So i went to Sure enough, the results indeed were out. I saw two 4 of my friends' name already. I was scared to look for my name. Eventually, i looked for my name and wow! I'm on the list!
Ha! I made it..
I woke my parents up to tell them the good news.
I spent the rest of my might texting wit friends and answering congratulations texts..